A friend asked me why I chose a headless picture of myself for the title picture of my blog. In the picture I appear in control, confident and in my element. In reality if you could see my face you would see the look of total and complete fear. The type of fear you would jump off a cliff to escape. There was no fight or flight only flight. However I managed to gained a bit of composure and put in a screw as Ari snapped that photo and then I promptly came down.
That was many years ago and one of my first ice leads. I survived the learning curve and have grown a lot as a climber and especially as a person since that day. I have learned that fear is always going to be there if you are a climber, the secret is managing that fear and knowing when and how to back off when your safety margin isn’t there.
This is where this story begins. On Sunday my long time climbing partner Daniel Burson and I went to Cody to attempt a second ascent of the climb Barley Legal. To reach the start of the climb, which on this day was a hanging icicle, you must traverse a cliff band with a 50 ft. drop below. Deciding that the hanging icicle was not safe enough to start on, I opted for a mixed start to the right. I first built an anchor for Daniel to belay from, an equalized tri-cam and .5 cam, worst case scenario this should keep us from going over the ledge in case of a fall. So I started up the rock face searching for anything positive in which to hook with my tools on, literally every feature I pulled on broke off. Finally I managed to get three pitons in, the last two I resorted to placing on aid thinking I could come down and try to free the moves with pre-placed pro to clip.
Now, let’s go back to that fear and safety margin thing. I acknowledged and accepted the fear, but I ignored the safety margin. I knew the three pins where questionable at best. I am ashamed to say ego overcame brains and I continued to push higher. Next thing I know, I am crashing into the rocks below and begin sliding backwards over the edge of the lower cliff when Daniel stops my slide. In the fall I zippered out all three pins and blew the .5 cam out of the anchor, only the tri-cam remained. My lack of judgment came within a tri-cam of costing me and worse my partner a lot.
So, back to my friends question about the photo, I chose it because when I look at it I realize that I am no longer that scared climber. Now, I ask myself, am I the person who foolishly pushes beyond common sense? The answer is no. On Sunday I knew the risk, accepted it and paid for my choices. I was lucky to walk away with only bruised ribs, but I walked away. I will continue to push my personal limits. However, next time, I will make sure that I and especially my partner have an acceptable safety margin. I want to end this with my favorite Teddy Roosevelt quote. “Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor souls who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the grey twighlight that knows not victory nor defeat.”
